I’ve hesitated a bunch on writing a blog about this trip or “move” to California. Mostly because I haven’t really understood the complete reasoning behind it from the beginning. I have let God lead and sensed Him leading me here for the time He would show me. I made mistakes in how I explained it to different people. I think I was worried in my explanation to others that I had to have a reason and know it beforehand. As I took this leap of faith, to trust God in this and just listen and follow His leading not knowing the outcome, I really feel today especially, with tomorrow being my last day here that I have a peace for my next step in my journey. I have noticed in my life that God has had to really stop me in my tracks and take me out of what I’m in just to remind me that He is the one leading me and adjust my perspective. I seem to have a pattern in my life of doing a lot and not always getting where I want or think I should be. I know about myself that I am a passionate person and that I feel most fulfilled in my life when I am serving others in a way that I can see im making a difference in their lives. The problem I’ve noticed is that in the midst of serving others I forget God and me and get completely burnt out, frustrated and often times just flat out emotional. I have tried to live a vulnerable transparent life because I believe to my core that being authentic is the only way to truly live out my faith. I have wanted no part in pretending to be perfect but only in letting my imperfection show Gods perfection. Some may take this to an extreme and think I mean to be all the more evil, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. What I mean in this is that I don’t have a desire or believe God would want me to desire or pursue showing off, so to speak, a perfect cookie cutter christian life. I have seen first hand how much damage this brings to the world that doesn’t know Jesus or thinks they do but is confused by the “christians” around them. In being authentic and vulnerable on a constant basis I hope that in that others are able to grasp how God is working in my life. I want others to see HIM not me. If I was trying to be perfect and make everything in my life look that way to show others that God makes everything good I would be living an untrue gospel. Jesus IS the good news, not me and my attempt to be perfect like Him. Only in my imperfection can He be seen and transformative. If I only let others see the perfect me, when they come to trials, and their lives don’t look perfect, they will think God is absent and must not love them, but if I let them see the imperfect me being made more and more like Jesus everyday until I die, then they will see JESUS:)
I explain all this because whether it has been intentional or percieved I have felt a very heavy burden to be a certain someone or something in my pursuit to follow and obey Jesus with my life. In this I have repeatedly felt like the someone or something that I’m not seeming to measure up to is keeping me from being who and where God has me and being joyful and thankful and attentive to God’s will IN it. Today, the day before I head “home” to where I have a peace from God to go, I feel a peace about where I am in life and that God’s plan IS being worked out IN a single 26 year old with no job or home. Wow. Sorry just writing that out took my breath away. Simply, God wants our heart, and sadly in our culture it is VERY hard to let Him be our all consuming passion. Take my husband, my job, my home, but give me Jesus. That is and will always be my pursuit. I am nothing without Him and do not want anything to consume me but Him. I am willing to let Him take it all away to remind me of WHO I serve and I am very thankful He does. I want to be a gypsy for my Lord here on earth.
I hope that in being my vulnerable self here where everyone can read and judge that I have been able to encourage someone, even if just one, that God IS using you and that you ARE where He wants you even if you haven’t met anyone’s standard of what they think that should look like.